E3 – Why I won’t be buying an Xbox One or PS4.

Well bless my odd stripy socks, it’s E3 again and look out fanboys there’s a whole lot of trouble brewing.

First up was Microsoft, and the third in the Xbox family, the Xbox One, showing proof that Microsoft is literally going backwards, which explains why they won’t be making the One backwards compatible cause 360 is greater than One, and that analogy can be used elsewhere too, with the fact that no matter what anyone says, if I was offered 360 Xbox One’s, or 1 Xbox 360, I’d be biting someone’s hand off if they tried taking the 360 away from me. Cause even with its lovely shooty-shoot-em-ups and it’s stunning opener-world-than-even-ours RPG’s, there’s a very big but. But what about that God awful excuse for a console!?

Let’s take a trip back to a few weeks ago to the One’s launch. I’ll start from the beginning with the fact that looks wise it’s a bland rectangular black box, and I get that the clue was in the name, but would it have killed them to put a single curve on the damned thing. Curves are sexy, from the handles of a controller to the sleek curves of a woma-… never mind.

Next is the elephant in the room and by elephant, I mean the NSA accessible, watches you while you play and carries on watching you while you play with yourself, Kinect. I think this bit is self explanatory, but I don’t want my games console broadcasting my sex life to some American Government thickie to be paid to sit down and jerk off to it unless I get paid for it not the other way round, thank you very much. So much for your privacy is our priority,  Microsoft.

And even if that weren’t the big enough deal-breaker for me then there’s the biggest one of all, the death of used games. To put this into perspective, I’m going to use an example of something that happened only the other day.

I like Halo. I love that adorable Master Chief and his lovely blue companion and I recently purchased a wireless adaptor for my girlfriend’s Xbox and as a result I thought I’d buy the new installment here so I can play online COD set in space with all my friends. I went to the video games section at my workplace and went to pick up a copy of Halo 4 and as soon as I saw the £40 price tag, I put it straight back down. Im sorry, game developer’s but I don’t want to whack out an amount of money for a game I will only use the online part of the game as I don’t want to watch one of my favourite characters be removed from the series. I only want this game for online and £40 is not worth it. A day or two later I went to a nearby shop which deals with used entertainment goods which may or may not rhyme PeX, I strolled over to the 360 section and found an almost new copy of Halo 4 at the much more reasonable price of £15. Now in an Xbox One world I’d have to pay almost double that for a game I wouldn’t have played all of. Double for half? No thanks.

Back to E3, and after the honestly just above mediocre offering of games with the only real highlights being Project Spark resembling to me Spore, another really big creation game which looked really epic at E3, will be bought loads on release, played maybe once or twice and then chucked into the pile of games for trade in which I will see at my local PeX as a wall of game cases very soon.

There was one moment that my balls literally tightened to the size of peanuts for at the Microsoft conference and that was that insanely orgasmic Halo trailer. No game play though which continues my theory that 343 really are still getring to grips with the franchise and honestly don’t know what they are doing. But enough of pooping over Microsoft myself, I shall now let Sony do the rest of it for me.

Sony, who after a lot of years as being considered the rich man’s console, has been gathering all of the cards and kept everything under wraps about the PS4 till this week and after them FINALLY releasing what the damned thing looks like I was yet again disappointed by instead of being a regular box it was just a box that had been melted to the side a little, and by little, I mean, look at them sick angles, man. How angly can we make this angly sandwich look.

But after this box had shown it’s face (all 16 of them to be precise), it was time for the games and after I’d slipped out of dreamland for the 4th time, I realised that like it’s predecessor, the amazing games will not be out in the first years and after its trouncing over Microsoft in what was the most amazing dissing ever in E3 history. I came suddenly to the startling conclusion over the PS4.

I really want to like the PS4, but at the end of the day, the simple matter is, that I just cant like the damned thing. Yes, PS4 beat the Xbox One hands down, but if I were held at gunpoint and made to choose between them, I’d be forced to the awful decision of choosing between the Xbox One, and a face full of lead and the lead is currently seeming to be the better option. 3

In all honesty,  the best announcement at E3 was not at either of the big two’s conferences or even on Nintendo Direct, which while being the strongest of the three for actually making me want their games the most. I still cant consider the Wii U to be any real good.

For me the best game announcement was at EA camp’s conference in the form of a Mirror’s Edge reboot.  I loved that game when it came out, I still replay it occasionally and I still to this day haven’t found all of the bags. But as soon as Faith graced my screen,  I couldn’t help but let out a fanboy squee of joy.

So all in all, after a few days of scouting the Internet over and over again, I have come to a decision finally about which of the next generation consoles I want. For its startlingly good library of games, it’s air of uncertainty still of what it will look like and the fact that it ia my last hope of a good console this generation, I’m putting my money on Steambox, cause the only thing I can still hope for to be any good. And the only thing i can really liken this E3 to is constipation. A lot of umm’s, ahh’s, straining and gasping, and finally a pile of bloody shit.